


Fear And Loathing In Kirkwall

by shadowwalk



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Twins, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Road Trips, da2 roadtrip au has finally come to fruition, fenris has bad taste in music, the crew eat at a tgi fridays and marian and garrett end up in a mozzarella stick eating contest, there's a very obvious little miss sunshine reference, three of them buy milk at a convenience store and no one knows why
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 21:19:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7730131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowwalk/pseuds/shadowwalk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The crew goes on a roadtrip. It's just as chaotic as you'd expect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear And Loathing In Kirkwall

**Author's Note:**

> (small warning for alcohol and emetophobia. teen warning for language and alcohol mentions. shoutout to Mimi and Sophie for creating most of these wild scenarios with me.)

No one was looking forward to the road trip, but no one expected it to be quite so... Memorable.

  


The first strike was Fenris' music. He was in the second row of seats between Anders and Merrill, which happened to be the perfect spot for reaching forward and grabbing the aux cord, and Maker knows Fenris had not a single pleasant song on his iPod. Turns out everyone only had a ten minute tolorance for butt rock.

"Would you cut that shit off, Broody?" Varric grumbled, face in one of his palms. "If it keeps going I might throw myself out of the car."

"It is not shit!" Fenris rebutted.

"Yeah, shit's an understatement." Anders smirked. Even Carver smiled.

That one ended with Fenris and Anders in a shouting match, Garrett yelling at Anders and Fenris, Carver yelling at Garrett, Merrill crying, Bethany and Isabela trying to stop Merrill from crying, Marian screaming that she was going to turn the car around if they didn't shut up, and Varric and Aveline desperately trying to ignore the situation. They weren't even half an hour into the trip yet.

  


Eventually, the screaming ended once Anders and Fenris had nothing more to say to each other, which stopped all the other screaming, and Merrill managed to cry until she just fell asleep, so Isabela and Bethany's consoling was no longer needed. Fenris continued to listen to his music with earbuds in while everyone chatted amongst themselves or stared out the window. It was actually rather peaceful for the next hour or so. Little did they know that was the calm before the storm, and it wouldn't be too long until Anders got carsick from scribbling in his notebook.

"You shouldn't have been writing in the backseat," Marian chided, glancing back at the blonde through the rearview mirror. "That's the best way to get sick."

"I know," Anders moaned, laying flat against the headrest with his eyes shut tight. "Maker, why."

"Wah wah, why do you have to make everything about yourself, mage?" Fenris snarled. He'd taken out his earbuds when he noticed the commotion. Anders groaned again.

"I'm going to throw up on you."

So ensued another shouting match, Merrill biting Fenris, and ultimately the car being pulled over. Anders promptly threw up on the side of the road while everyone else stretched their legs, and Fenris nearly punched Anders as they argued over changing seats. The elf managed to get so angry that he ran to the side of the road, fell down, and started screaming incoherently.

"Should we... Do something?" Garrett leaned over to ask Varric, not moving his eyes from the screaming elf in the distance. Bethany watched with a hand over her mouth, silent. Aveline was approaching him, but Varric grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Nah. Let him let it out," Varric said to them both, squinting in the sunlight.

  


Everyone piled back into the van after a few more minutes and proceeded. Fortunately, there was no more crying, vomiting, or screaming, as everyone was too tired out from earlier to do it anymore – and a tweaked seating layout helped a bit too. After about another hour or so on the highway passing through a vast, sprawling... Nothing, they came to a gas station, where they made their next pit stop. Everyone got out of the van except for Varric, who seemed keen to get back on the road as soon as possible.

"Can we go in and get snacks?” Merrill asked Varric eagerly, staring at him with her huge green eyes through the van's window. Varric pulled a few dollars out of his pocked and handed them to her, making her eyes practically sparkle. “Thanks Varric!” she beamed, turning to hurry into the store.

“Share,” he warned her as she scuttled off, Anders and Fenris following. The others didn't seem particularly interested in getting anything just yet, so they crawled back into the van to escape the heat of the day. The dwarf leaned back in his seat and let his eyes slip closed. “They're like children,” he muttered.

And indeed, they were like children. The trio was in the shop for quite a time – so long that the others were starting to get worried.

“Should we go check on them?” Bethany asked from the back of the van, her gentle voice full of concern.

“Oh, they aren't children,” Isabela replied. “They'll be fine on their own.”

“But they do /act/ like children.” Aveline pointed out.

“I won't miss 'em.” Carver snarked, which earned him a punch on the arm from Marian. “Ow!” he screamed, shooting her an accusitory look. “That hurt!”

“Too bad.” she replied. Carver was about to start yelling something back when Varric spoke.

“Hey, here they come,” the dwarf said, jerking his head toward the convenience store. Indeed, the trio were approaching the van, and Merrill was holding... A jug? A skinny, white jug. Everyone in the van gaped.

When the three piled into the back, they all sat in silence for a few moments. Garrett was the first to speak. "Why did you get that?"

Merrill stared down at the jug in her hands, eyes huge. "I don't know."

"Where's the rest of the money?" Varric sighed.

"There isn't any," Anders replied, voice small.

"How much does a half gallon of milk cost?" Garrett mumbled to himself as he started up the ignition.

  


Needless to say, everyone was starving by the time they got to the TGI Fridays.

They'd all spent the past hour arguing over where to eat when they eventually found something everyone agreed on, or at least could settle with. By the time they got to the restaurant, it was dinner time and the sun was about to go down, so the TGI Fridays was absolutely packed. After what felt like ages, they all got seated at one of the huge party tables in the restaurant, and ordering was just as much of a mess as you could assume it was, and oh Maker, those poor servers.

The first thing Fenris ordered was wine, which was not a good start. Varric had to sit in a high chair. Garrett and Marian sat beside each other and almost instantly challenged one another to see who could eat the most mozzarella sticks through the endless appetizers menu; as soon as the mozzarella sticks touched the table, they were off to the races, and Isabela was the one keeping tally.

Meanwhile, Fenris was trying to complete one of the activity book mazes for children with a red crayon, and Anders purposefully kept trying to get him to mess up. Carver had nothing against Fenris specifically, but he was nearby and loved causing trouble, so of course he contributed to bugging the elf. Fenris eventually lost it, shouting profanities across the table, but hardly no one noticed in the busting restaurant – so Fenris ultimately just sat drinking his wine, staring at nothing in particular, frothing with rage.

In only about an hour the mozzarella stick competition escalated intensely. It was hard to say the exact amount of mozzarella sticks they'd managed to down in the past hour as Isabela was now drunk, but Marian was apparently in the lead with three plates – Garrett lagged behind at two and a half. Merrill slowly chewed on her salad, watching in awe. At some point, Carver had fallen asleep in an empty soup bowl. Aveline got the rest of her food in a to-go box and went out to the van to eat in peace – she was so tired of everyone's bullshit.

“Chug! Chug! Chug!” Isabela half-shouted a while later as Marian downed her fifth and final plate of mozzarella sticks. As Marian stood over the table and flexed her muscles (how that had anything to do with the size of her stomach was yet to be discovered), a few people at their table clapped, including Merrill, who didn't see the problem, and Fenris, who was just drunk enough to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, Garrett retreated to the bathroom, face practically green with nausea, and Bethany followed out of concern.

  


“I can't believe you ate 30 mozzarella sticks!” Merrill gaped at Marian in the dark parking lot, who still held her head high in pride.

“I could have eaten more if Garrett hadn't wimped out so soon!” she boasted. Her twin said nothing, instead walking in silence with a hand over his stomach. Bethany was rubbing his back and Varric hung nearby in concern. Fenris and Isabela were drunkenly slurring at each other, Carver was still wiping soup off his face, and Anders was sipping on the remainder of a drink he'd gotten to go. When they got back to the van, Aveline was already asleep in the back seat, an empty styrofoam box laying in her lap.

Once again, they all piled into the van, and this time Marian was the driver. Varric almost instantly fell asleep on their drive to the hotel, thinking about how good of stories this vacation would make... But we was still ready for it to be over.


End file.
